


access denied

by 100demons



Series: five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes [3]
Category: Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Rare Pairing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-22
Updated: 2012-05-22
Packaged: 2017-11-05 20:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/410753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100demons/pseuds/100demons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy tries to call Coulson, winds up calling Tony Stark instead and ends up talking to someone she <i>knows</i> she's met before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	access denied

“Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been calling and calling and _calling_ your phone for the past, oh, I don’t know, _month_ and you know how much I hate calling people! Then like fifty voicemails and a billion texts later you say you’re _sorry_ —sorry! Jesus fucking Christ, Jane, I thought you were dead or something. Did you know I actually googled you just in case someone wrote an obituary on you and—“

“Darcy,” Jane Foster said very slowly, as if she were speaking to a child with anger management issues. “I think you need to calm down—“

“Calm down— _calm down?! WOMAN, I AM NOT CALMING_ —“

“SHIELD stole me away and hid me in a shack in the middle of nowhere without any access to the phone, the Internet or a calculator,” Jane said.

“Oh,” Darcy said and there was a thoughtful silence while she painted her toes a bright, eye-watering shade of neon blue. “Those _motherfuckers._ ”

“You know how I feel about you cursing—“

“It’s totally justified. I mean, those dipshits stole my _iPod_ and never gave it back. That is like the _pinnacle_ of dipshittery—“

“—but in this case, I very much agree with you,” Jane finished calmly.

“…Oh. Well, that’s great!” Darcy enthused, blowing on her toenails to make the polish dry faster. “I’m feeling in the mood for a good rant anyway. We can go through the _Your Mom!_ disses and then move onto gossiping their totally stupid clothes.”

“I’d love to, I really would,” Jane said, not sounding very sincere at all, but Darcy would forgive her for that, the woman had been stuck in the _wild_ without any Internet at all! It was enough to make anyone more than a little deranged. “But I have to go talk to Erik and my advisor and my mom and it’s just—I didn’t exactly expect to be spirited away in the middle of the night, you know?”

Darcy made an agreeing sort of noise and sprinkled glitter over her painted toes. “But we have to meet up soon,” she said, capping the bottle of glitter and putting it away. “You _so_ owe me like fifty dinners.”

“I’ll call you soon,” Jane promised and then paused, her voice hesitant. “Oh, by the way, did you know that Thor was back?” she asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Oh, yeah, that,” Darcy said dismissively, wiggling her toes. “That’s old news, girl. He and a bunch of other hot people in skin tight clothing saved the world and shit from crazy aliens. Even Reddit got tired of meme-ing the shit out of them.”

“Oh. Really,” Jane said flatly. “I didn’t know about that. And apparently he left for home. Without seeing me. Or even sending a message.”

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” Darcy said incredulously. “Are we talking about the same guy who’s so freaking in love with you he calls you his beloved Lady Jane? And pretty much follows you around everywhere like a giant golden retriever?”

“Apparently.” There was a long, long silence. “Look—this is—I just—“ Jane struggled for the right words, her voice quavering a little. “I didn’t really mean to bring this up again or whatever, it’s—“

“It’s okay, Jane,” Darcy said gently. “I know. Go and get yourself some takeout, get a bubble bath ready, and read a trashy romance novel. Forget about work. You need some Jane time, okay? You just went through a whole _month_ without Internet or a computer or anything. Forget about dick-head Thor, I’ll talk some sense into him when he decides to show his giant ass back on Earth. Okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Darcy. I’m starting to feel bad that I never paid you as an intern.”

“We can talk about it when you hire me again,” Darcy grinned. “Now, go, shoo, cut loose, go wild. I’ve got a TV dinner with my name on it waiting in the microwave.”

Jane huffed a quiet laugh. “Alright, I’ll talk to you later.”

“You better.”

Darcy slammed the phone back onto the receiver and sighed. “Thor, you have a _lot_ of explaining to do.”

 ---

“Hello. You have reached the number for the **Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division**. Please listen carefully to the following options for further directions. If you would like to reach the press representatives, press 1. To schedule an appointment with an agent, or with—“

“Are you kidding me?” Darcy groaned and slumped in her seat. “I thought the number you put on your business card was supposed to be _your number_. Damn you, Coulson!”

“Query not understood. Please repeat again.”

“Avengers, Coulson, somebody who actually knows what the hell went on in New York last month! Thor would be kind of helpful, you know?”

“Query: The Avengers Initiative. Please press pound if it is correct or star to correct your choice.”

“Pound key, pound key…where the hell is it—shit, no that’s star, ctrl z, ctrl z!” Darcy smashed her fingers on the phone, jabbing it furiously.

“Please try again.”

“GODDAMN YOU PHONE!” Darcy howled, nearly flinging it out the window. “The things I do for you, Jane. You _better_ start paying me or you can get someone else to beat up your stupid Norse God boyfriend for you.”

“Please try again.”

“Avengers! Avengers! That’s what I want! THE THING THAT THOR’S IN, DAMMIT.”

“Query: The Avengers Initiative. Please press pound if it is correct or star to correct your choice.” Darcy pressed the pound key so hard she nearly jammed it.

“Please hold momentarily.” Darcy winced at elevator music started blasting out of the phone and an obnoxious sounding voice started reciting PSAs. “Remember to check on your fire alarms every month to see if—“

“Blah, blah, blah, hurry up!”

“Database search complete. The Avengers Initiative Consultant Stark comma Tony is available. Access code required for call to connect. After the tone, please recite the nine digit access code and your zip code, please.”

Darcy stared at her phone. “What the fuck.”

“Access denied. Please try again.”

“Are you _kidding me_?!”

“Access denied. Please try again.”

“RAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.”

“Access granted. Call is connecting to Stark comma Tony. Please stay on the line.”

“Um. Okay?” Darcy said, brow furrowing. “Is it just me or did I just hack my way into calling Tony Stark with my sheer awesomeness?” She heard the dial tone ring and shrugged. “I guess I did.” The phone rang on for a few minutes and Darcy sighed; whatever, Tony friggin Stark was probably too busy and rich to pick up his own phone and answer normal people’s calls. She could try again in a couple of—

“Tony Stark is busy being an ass and trying to blow up his wet bar again, but I could take a message for him if you’d like,” the voice over the phone said dryly. In the background, Darcy could hear a crashing noise, like someone had decided to take a hammer and slam it against a giant vodka bottle.

“Uh, hi?” Darcy said. “I’m looking for the Avengers Consultant, who’s apparently the really rich guy Tony Stark, which kind of does make sense, because isn’t he Iron Man? Anyway, I just wanted to know if he knew if Thor was on Earth right now and if he was, where exactly I could find him.

There was a long pause and Darcy waited patiently, admiring the pretty blue of her toenails. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught all of that. You want to _what_?”

“Know where Thor is so I can beat the crap out of him for breaking my boss’s heart,” Darcy said promptly. “Because, wow, total dick-head move, saving the world and leaving it without even saying hi to your girlfriend. If _I_ were Jane, I would probably ditch him and get together with someone who’s a little more committed to a relationship, if you know what I mean.”

“Not really,” the voice said, sounding a little bemused. “Your friend Jane—“

“Jane Foster,” Darcy cut in. “Master of a thousand PhDs, builder and discoverer of giant rainbow bridges, girlfriend of Norse God Thor. Not _just_ Jane, but Dr. Jane!”

“ _Oh—_ you don’t mean—Dr. Jane Foster, the one who wrote that fascinating paper on Einstein-Rosen bridges?”

“One and the same! So you do know Jane! Anyway, she got together with Thor when he dropped by Earth the first time and almost destroyed Puente Antiguo, but that’s hardly the point.”

“Yes, so I gathered.” The voice made a thoughtful, contemplative sort of noise. “Can I ask who’s at least calling?”

“Darcy Lewis, former intern extraordinaire and almost college graduate at your service.”

“I—I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

“D-A-R-C-Y L-E-W-I-S,” Darcy spelled out patiently. “You know, like Darcy, that asshole from _Pride and Prejudice_ and Lewis, like Lewis and Clark.”

“Oh,” the voice said faintly. “Yes, yes of course. My—my mistake, I must have heard you wrong. And your number?”

Darcy rattled it off easily, twirling a strand of hair around a finger.

“Thank you, Ms. Lewis. I’ll make sure that Tony returns your call right away—“ There was another crash and bang in the distance and Darcy winced.

“Well, as soon as he is able,” the voice amended. “Thank you—“

“Hang on, what’s yours?” Darcy interrupted. “Your name. We’ve been talking for the past ten minutes and I don’t even know your name.”

There was a long, awkward silence and Darcy was half-convinced the guy on the other end of the line had hung up on her already.

“Bruce,” the voice said, so low that she could barely catch it. “I’m Bruce Banner.”

And the line went dead.

**Author's Note:**

> Whenever I want to write Hulk/Darcy it ends up being Bruce/Darcy and vice versa. GOD DAMMIT BRAIN.


End file.
